Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
