We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
