I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
