We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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