oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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