I cannot find my penis.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
