Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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