I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
