your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
