Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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