Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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