If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
