did you get engaged???
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
