So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
