The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
