I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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