so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
