If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
