i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
