considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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