I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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