Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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