Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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