he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
