I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
