The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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