i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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