good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
