Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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