dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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