Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
