i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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