I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize