i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize