I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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