I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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