why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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