he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
