Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
