Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
