Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
