There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
