my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
