this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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