I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
