My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
