K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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