found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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