I only kidnapped one of them. chill
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
