I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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