just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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