Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
