so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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