so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
