No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
