just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize
