God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
