You just made me feel so damn special
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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