im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
