I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
