i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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