never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
