Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
