I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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