Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
being pregnant is like rehab
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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