She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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