Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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